Glee and Grant Are Not Lovers

I guess I've always noticed it, but today it hit me with full force...Every gay guy I know watches Glee...Every gay guy but me. I don't wish the show ill-will (which I have been known to do to other TV shows), I just haven't felt the need to watch it. Does that mean I have to turn in my gay card? I hope not. I think I just never got the showtune gene that is attached to the gay gene. To the gay community, I would like to formally apologize for not watching Glee.

I didn't know you could get your gay card taken away from you until my friend John-Michael warned me that I better stop talking smack about Julia Roberts or else I would lose it. And then when I told my sister Stacie that I didn't really like Celine Dion, well, then she almost took it away. So needless to say...I worry about my gay card being revoked a lot...

If You Play, You Play For Keeps

I am in love with this song. I love how it is the perfect metaphor for making decisions in life...

The "Big" Statement

So here's what ended up being the big statement coming from the Church. Basically, a spokesman states that the Church supports protections for LGBT citizens in Salt Lake City in matters regarding employment and housing. However, as always the Church is extremely limited in their backing of these basic rights. Reading over the article, as well as this one, it is clear to me that the Church issued the statement more for PR, rather than for any intentional peace offering to the LGBT community. Just something they can do now, so that later they can deflect attention on how they attack gay families, making a reference to today's statement as proof of their innocence.

Affirmation applauded the Church's statement of support for the ordinance...but that left me wondering this: Am I supposed to applaud the Church for supporting an ordinance that should have been passed years ago? Am I supposed to applaud the Church when it's statement is laced with a reminder that they haven't changed their mind about attacking our families?

Definitely not the sort of thing I'd call groundbreaking. This gay still doubts any sort of olive branch of peace can be expected from the great and spacious building.

Bad Romance

Lady GaGa's new music video was released today...and I am in love with it, even though it is kind of twisted.

Preemptively Callin' It

This afternoon this post from the 8: The Mormon Proposition blog and Facebook group came out. It states that there will be a "historic statement against discrimination" from the Church.

Is it bad if I am calling this preemptively a load of BS? I am expecting lip service if any actual statement is released. It is going to take a lot to reverse the words of Bruce Hafen and Dallin Oaks. It is going to take a lot to reverse Proposition 8 and similar acts of hate. And even more, it is going to take a lot to reverse years of un-Christian-like behavior by its members and leaders towards the LGBT community.

The way things have been lately I assume they are talking about discrimination against them, not any of the people they've been attacking.

Giggle Courtesy The Joke of Fox News

SNL's opener was a good giggle last night...My favorite is how accurate their portrayal of Glenn Beck was.

"Reconciliation"

Last night I saw coverage of this on the news. It was a group delivering a petition to Church Headquarters, via handcart, asking for "reconciliation". The handcart being significant because LGBT members have metaphorically been left out on the frozen plains, abandoned by the Church as an organization. The group hoped to meet with Elder Oaks and Elder Hafen...but as seems the rule, only were able to meet with a Church spokesperson. The problem was the actual word "reconciliation". It implies both parties coming to the table, engaging in dialog, with the idea of compromise in the air. Yeah, that is assuming a lot. As times go by, I feel less and less hopeful that the Church will ever want to talk about what has been years of hostility and degradation of LGBT members.

I think most gay Mormons go through a phase where they feel a need to give the Church the benefit of the doubt and to believe maybe one day the Church will give a crap about them. Yeah, I think I am done with phase.

Natalie's Rap

On November 5th, with all my pondering on V for Vendetta, I inevitably start thinking about how that movie showed what a bad-ass bitch Natalie Portman is. (I mean, that in a good way...if that makes sense.) And then, as my sister Stacie pointed out, I start thinking about this SNL song she did and my heart leaps in glee.

Valerie's Letter

One of the most powerful scenes of V for Vendetta. Lots of people say they love V for Vendetta, but they actually mean that they love the action sequences and explosions. But to me, it is really about this scene. It is this six and a half minutes that inspired the "V" tattoo on my wrist.

I know there's no way I can convince you this is not one of their tricks, but I don't care, I am me. My name is Valerie, I don't think I'll live much longer and I wanted to tell someone about my life. This is the only autobiography ill ever write, and god, I'm writing it on toilet paper.

I was born in Nottingham in 1985, I don't remember much of those early years, but I do remember the rain. My grandmother owned a farm in Tuttlebrook, and she use to tell me that god was in the rain. I passed my 11th lesson into girl's grammar; it was at school that I met my first girlfriend, her name was Sara. It was her wrists. They were beautiful. I thought we would love each other forever. I remember our teacher telling us that is was an adolescent phase people outgrew. Sara did, I didn't.

In 2002 I fell in love with a girl named Christina. That year I came out to my parents. I couldn't have done it without Chris holding my hand. My father wouldn't look at me, he told me to go and never come back. My mother said nothing. But I had only told them the truth, was that so selfish? Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us, but within that inch, we are free.

I'd always known what I wanted to do with my life, and in 2015 I starred in my first film, "The Salt Flats". It was the most important role of my life, not because of my career, but because that was how I met Ruth. The first time we kissed, I knew I never wanted to kiss any other lips but hers again. We moved to a small flat in London together. She grew Scarlet Carsons for me in our window box, and our place always smelled of roses. Those were there best years of my life. But America's war grew worse, and worse. And eventually came to London. After that there were no roses anymore. Not for anyone.

I remember how the meaning of words began to change. How unfamiliar words like collateral and rendition became frightening. While things like Norse Fire and The Articles of Allegiance became powerful, I remember how different became dangerous. I still don't understand it, why they hate us so much.

They took Ruth while she was out buying food. I've never cried so hard in my life. It wasn't long till they came for me. It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years, I had roses, and apologized to no one.

I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An Inch, it is small and it is fragile, but it is the only thing the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.

I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you.

-Valerie

An Epiphany

I had an epiphany today. Grant Haws is, or is at least viewed as, a novelty song, like "Monster Mash" or "Grandma Got Ran Over By a Reindeer"...A good giggle from time to time. But not someone everyone wants to deal with everyday. You see, novelty songs are fairly shallow and one-dimensional. I don't think that I am these things, but I think that is how people perceive me. I'm fun and I keep things interesting, but when it comes down to loading songs on your Ipod playlist, well, I am not going to make the cut. I'm a fun tune to have in your library, but when it comes down to it, I seem to be rather expendable.

It's Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Guy Fawkes Day....the 5th of November... The movie V for Vendetta directly addresses governments that have become dictatorships ruled through fear...but I'm seeing as of late that V for Vendetta has broader meaning than just government.

"Good evening, London. Allow me first to apologize for this interruption. I do, like many of you, appreciate the comforts of every day routine- the security of the familiar, the tranquility of repetition. I enjoy them as much as any bloke. But in the spirit of commemoration, thereby those important events of the past usually associated with someone's death or the end of some awful bloody struggle, a celebration of a nice holiday, I thought we could mark this November the 5th, a day that is sadly no longer remembered, by taking some time out of our daily lives to sit down and have a little chat. There are of course those who do not want us to speak. I suspect even now, orders are being shouted into telephones, and men with guns will soon be on their way. Why? Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn't there? Cruelty and injustice, intolerance and oppression. And where once you had the freedom to object, to think and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillance coercing your conformity and soliciting your submission. How did this happen? Who's to blame? Well certainly there are those more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable, but again truth be told, if you're looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror. I know why you did it. I know you were afraid. Who wouldn't be? War, terror, disease. There were a myriad of problems which conspired to corrupt your reason and rob you of your common sense. Fear got the best of you, and in your panic you turned to the now high chancellor, Adam Sutler. He promised you order, he promised you peace, and all he demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent. Last night I sought to end that silence. Last night I destroyed the Old Bailey, to remind this country of what it has forgotten. More than four hundred years ago a great citizen wished to embed the fifth of November forever in our memory. His hope was to remind the world that fairness, justice, and freedom are more than words, they are perspectives. So if you've seen nothing, if the crimes of this government remain unknown to you then I would suggest you allow the fifth of November to pass unmarked. But if you see what I see, if you feel as I feel, and if you would seek as I seek, then I ask you to stand beside me one year from tonight, outside the gates of Parliament, and together we shall give them a fifth of November that shall never, ever be forgot."

Virginia Foxx Is a Mess

Representative Virginia Foxx of Virginia, notorious for her Matthew Shepard commentary, ranted yesterday about health care and how she believes that we should be more fearful of health care reform than terrorism... How is this lady still in office? hje is obviously a neurotic mess...I mean, if she was from Utah, well, that would make sense. But I thought Virginia people were more sensible than allowing this sort of senile biotch to represent them.

I enjoyed Rachel Maddow, commentary on Virginia Foxx... as well as her commentary on Lieberman's ridiculous back-and-forth stand on health care reform.

Pointing Out The Obvious

I am sorry that this post is remotely related to Christmas, but it needs to be said:

This week TV trailers for Jim Carrey's poor attempt at "A Christmas Carol" started airing...

Now my friends, can it even come close to the wonder and glory of "A Muppet Christmas Carol"?
Mr. Carrey, the Muppets are too magical to defeat. "A Muppet Christmas Carol" is the only acceptable movie version of the book. I'm sorry, but it's true.

Sick Hearts

I think that The Used's "Sick Hearts" will forever be one of my favorite songs...I love the way it pulls lyrics from the other songs from The Used. And I love the way it says what is on my mind on nights like this.

Call this a mask, call me strong;
Call me a mess, call me wrong.

Call me the bird or the worm.

I don't know what's come over me,
But I'd rather shut my eyes.

November Rocks

November is the best month of the year. Seriously, I want to marry it. Here's why:

- It's still fall so you still have a moderately warm day now and then. And I love even when it is still moderately cool but the sun is shining. By now most of the leaves have come down, so you don't have to rake them up...and the snow hasn't fallen so you don't have to shovel.

- Speaking of snow, it is magical to watch as the mountains start getting covered in snow. Especially on a starry night, the white silhoette of the mountains is beautiful.

- Guy Fawkes Day...November 5th...Remember, remember the fifth of November

- I get to spend all month complaining about Chrsitmas decorations and music, but secretly start longing for Thanksgiving when Yuletide frivolity is sanctioned.

- Hello, Thanksgiving?! This is one of my favorite holidays because it is moderately low-key. Not a ton of hype, just eat turkey and pie until you pass out, watch the parade, good stuff like that. In fact, I would pick Thanksgiving week as one of the best weeks of the year.

- And speaking of Thanksgiving, I love Food Network this month. This is the time for Paula Deen and the gang to shine and I get to plot Thanksgiving culinary delights.

- And speaking of culinary delights, cooking with pumpkin is still sanctioned. But now I get to start adding more cranberries and apples into my cooking.

Welcome Back Into My Life,

Beloved November!!!

Halloween 2009 Frivolities

Altogether this Halloween was filled with much giggling, as it always should be. Stacie and Kevin were Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett which they did a wonderful job at. They went dressed up to a Primary activity for our Sunday School kids while I went to work. I dressed up as Edward Norton's character from Fight Club...I wasn't allowed to be Terry from Reno 911 due to some silly dress code. (Apparently belly shirts and short shorts are frowned upon - such a tragedy.) Afterwards we had dinner together with Mike and Shari Satko and Spencer and Whitney Blake. So much spooky fun!

I Put A Spell On You

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Today's song of the day is "I Put a Spell On You" from the Sanderson Sisters in Hocus Pocus...

Obama Lifts HIV Travel Ban

It was announced today that Obama will be lifting the bans on immigration for those who have HIV, set to go into effect after the new year. The problem with the ban isn't only that it is outdated and overly paranoid of HIV, but the possibility of not being able to enter the United States creates a situation where some who unknowingly have the disease may not get tested. In addition, the ban adds to a stigma around HIV, regardless of whether a person is actually traveling into the United States. As the linked article points out, "The law effectively has kept out students, tourists, and refugees and has complicated the adoption of children with HIV. No major international AIDS conference has been held in the U.S. since 1993, because HIV-positive activists and researchers cannot enter the country." Rachel B. Tiven, the executive director of Immigration Equality stated, "Now, those families can be reunited, and the United States can put its mouth where its money is: ending the stigma that perpetuates HIV transmission, supporting science and welcoming those who seek to build a life in this country."

Thank you, President Obama. You are doing something to make America a more charitable, kinder place to be...and I am glad.

Top Model Final Five

Wednesday night was the oversees episode and now that one of my favorites, Brittany was kicked off, we are down to the final five. There are only two more episodes before the finale, and according to the spoilers I found online, we will be going into the finale episode already down to the final two, not three like normal. And I am excited about that because the finale always seems so rushed before they even get to the final runway. From what I've read the episode after next, when we are at the final four, two girls will be eliminated. So here's the rundown on the Final Five and my thoughts:

Nicole: I am pretty sure Nicole is going to win. She has the strongest body of work, including a really good Covergirl commercial. Nicole is really versatile, and as the judges have pointed out, she is coach-able. Plus, the show seems to be featuring her in a way where they are creating a story of how she's the quirky girl everyone underestimated that will win the whole thing.

Laura: She is definitely one of my favorites. And I want her to win, but I don't think she will. She hasn't done poorly, but from the previews for next week she looks like she struggles in the underwater photo shoot. There are also the issues with the Covergirl commercial. Laura didn't do horribly, but her performance there worries me about how she will do if she makes it to the final commercial. However, I think she will be in the top two or three.

Jennifer: I think Jennifer will probably in the final two. Lots of people have predicted that she will win it. But both because she isn't as good as Nicole, as well as the show isn't portraying her in a way in the past that they have shown the girl who would win. But she is really good, and she did win best-of-the-week during the commercial shoot. The problem for her is that Nicole consistently does better than her. I like Jennifer, but Nicole and Laura are still more of my favorites.

Sundae: Meh... That's how I feel about her. My best guess is that she will be kicked off next episode. The issue for Sundae is she is mediocre at best, plus she photographs like she is super-short, not normal-short like the rest of the girls. Unless she really puts out from here on out, I doubt she will get much farther.

Erin: No, no. no. She's a jerk-face. Every ANTM season has a crazed biotch, and that is Erin this time. Since the Walmart challenge where she was attacking the other models as they ran through the store, I haven't been a fan. But as the weeks have gone by, she has started doing worse in her photo shoots, not better. She has been in the bottom two the last two weeks, and I am surprised she is still around. Of course, part of the reason she is still around is that her insane antics make for good TV. And this week, when she was complaining about winning the helicopter tour of the Hawaiian islands...yeah, we no likey.

South Park's Poker Face

I think the only "Poker Face" remake I approve of is one involving Cartman singing it.

Hate Crimes Act

I remember over a decade ago when the whole Matthew Shepard murder happened. I was a teenager, just beginning to connect the dots about my own homosexuality. When I heard what had happened to Matthew Shepard I became aware of the reckless hate in this world, all over something that Shepard never chose, but defined him. When I heard that President Obama had signed the Hate Crimes Act today, my heart rejoiced for the fourteen year old kid I was, trying to make sense of the senseless murder of Shepard. I hope that today's newly aware LGBT kids find hope in today's change in this country.

A Deeply Moral Question

Today I was faced a deep moral question that shook me to my very core: Do I rig the Haws family Christmas name drawing?

There are eight kids in the Haws family...half of which now have families of their own. There are way too many of us for each person to get everyone else a gift. It would never happen. Plus, nowadays, shipping alone would kill us all, sending gifts to Utah, Virginia, Wisconsin, and Brazil. So several years ago we instituted the Haws family Christmas name drawing. It's a simple system. We put everyone's names in a bowl and then draw for who each kid has to get a present for. Now that half the kids are married, if you draw the name of a married child, then you buy a family gift for that sibling's family.

Now in the Haws family tradition, there isn't supposed to be trading of names. It happens, but isn't supposed to. Nobody knows who drew their name, but swapping names is kind of cold. To refuse to buy a gift for one sibling just so that you can have someone else easier to buy for? Yeah, no. I would cry if I found out one of siblings swapped names so that they wouldn't have to get me a Christmas present.

As I discovered today, I am unofficial director of the Haws family Christmas name drawing. I didn't know until today though. I guess every year I am the instigator of the name drawing. Eventually I whine and complain and make it happen because I don't want to worry about Christmas gifts the week of Christmas, especially if I am shipping them across the country or to the Brazilian Haws. So somehow this has translated to the whole family giving me the power of the name drawing. And since we all live apart, it could be easily rigged since only one or two of us are there for the actually drawing of names.

So today I got a call from my little sister Julie, petitioning me to rig the drawing so she gets Andy and Melanie's family. She has something already planned for their two daughters, Haley and Kayla. Apparently Julie already has had the rigging sanctioned by Mama Haws, but that doesn't relieve me of my Yuletide concerns. Julie is asking me to fix it up Haws tradition...break all laws of Christmas gifting...But if I do, then I can rig it so I get Stacie and Kevin, since I am going to get them a gift regardless.

Oh, morals...I don't know what to do.

(I am not really looking for advice...I just thought it was funny that the great moral question that I have faced as of late is should I do this for Julie. And I almost didn't post it since I didn't want to acknowledge that Christmas is coming soon.)

Bad Romance

"Bad Romance", the first single from Lady GaGa's new album "Fame Monster" was released yesterday. Oh goodness, this senorita is amazing. "Bad Romance" is the song of the day.

Frankenstein

Tonight we watched Kenneth Branagh's Frankenstein, which I picked out because I needed a really good Halloween movie but also needed a Kenneth Branagh fix. Holy hannah. I don't know how I should feel about it. I loved it, but oh....there was a lot of cringing.

Here's why I am in love with this movie:

- Helena Bonham Carter. Seriously, I am in love with her. And it helps she plays an ill-fated character. (Make it a double-ill-fated character because she dies twice.)

- Actually all the characters are ill-fated. Refer to my previous posts on my love for such characters.

- Kenneth Branagh. The scene where his shirt's off and he's bringing Frankenstein to life was definitely pleasant for the eyes.

- Robert De Niro and Kenneth Branagh's scene after Frankenstein is brought to life and they basic lube wrestle was a good giggle.

- The tender parts where Robert De Niro makes friends with the blind man in the woods almost broke my heart. And I am impressed when movies can do that. All Frankenstein wanted was to have a friend.

And now, the reasons why I am still a little weirded out:

- We totally saw Robert De Niro's junk. It wasn't pleasant.

- The brother/sister deal between Helena Bonham Carter and Kenneth Branagh threw me for a loop at the beginning when they started making out. Ick. But the kiss/pre-sex make-out at the end of the movie was beautiful.

- I don't handle chopping and cutting and poking well when it comes to this sort of thing. The parts where Branagh is cutting into the skull almost killed me.

This Is Halloween

It's Halloween week folks! And I am very excited. Halloween is the whole week for me, since I can't pack in all the fun and spooky things I want to do into one single day. I spend all week cooking up spooky treats and flipping through the channels looking for scary movies or History channel documentaries about werewolves. And this whole week if anything scary happens I always accuse it to being the fault of zombies or Dracula or ghosts or witches. It's a good week. This afternoon as I was anxiously planning everything I want to do this week, this song got stuck in my head and it is the song of the day.

Pumpkin Spice Bread

Last night I was looking over my Bucket List, and I am pretty sure one of the most important items is to someday have a book of recipes I have created, or at least got really good at cooking. There is just something very tender about having recipes that you cook year after year, and eventually it just becomes part of the family traditions. And I think the pumpkin spice bread recipe I adapted from an online recipe is going to be one of the traditional fall time recipes. I tried to cook pumpkin bread over the last few years and when I did it from scratch it would be gross, and I felt like a cheater using a boxed mix. But I've been cooking this recipe twice a week or so for most of October because it's so good...especially for breakfast.

I decided that is was so good and I love this recipe so much I had to share it...so here it is...

2 cups white sugar

1 cup brown sugar

1 cup vegetable oil

4 eggs, lightly beaten

1 can (16 oz) pumpkin puree (Lots of cans of pumpkin are more than 16 oz, so just estimate 16 oz)

3 ½ cups flour

1 tsp. baking soda

1 tsp. salt

1 tsp. ground cinnamon

1 tsp. ground nutmeg

½ tsp. ground cloves

½ tsp. ground allspice

½ cup water

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Grease a 9x13 pan. Combine the sugar, oil, and eggs. Add pumpkin and mix well. Combine the other dry ingredients in a medium bowl, and then add to the pumpkin mixture alternately with the water. Pour into the greased pan and cook for about an hour or until the bread tests done with a toothpick. If desired, melt butter over the bread while still hot and generously sprinkle cinnamon sugar.

Note: You don’t necessarily have to use this size pan. You could put it into various kinds of cooking pans and give it away in smaller portions.

Philip - Tender Story of the Day

My brother-in-law Kevin saw this today and then sent it to me...and oh my goodness, tenderness. It is of an elderly fellow, named Philip, testifying in favor of Maine gay equality. I got chills watching him talking about how he fought in World War II for freedom and equality, not making certain citizens second-class. Anyways, that's my tender clip of the day.

The "Process" of Coming Out

I originally posted this on my private blog, but decided to also post it here, since I thought it was an interesting experience that other gay Mormons could identify with.

I often hear that coming out is a process. And up to this point in my life, that has simply meant that each day I decide who I am going to allow to know that I am gay. Living in a society where rigid heterosexuality is the norm, most people just assume I'm straight until I tell them otherwise. So especially in places like Provo, Utah, where gaydar is most definitely a myth, people really don't know I'm gay until I want them to. Thus, the "process" idea of coming out always meant to me that slowly we gay folks tell more and more people until our immediate relationships all know the truth.

But this weekend I think that the "coming out process" has taken on a new meaning. Last June I came out to my parents in a letter. My parents didn't flip out like I expected them to. Instead, they thanked me for the letter, said they loved me, and that was basically it. My dad, Bobby the Republican, sent me a week letter a week later that was still kind, but held the church's line that I was struggling with same-sex attraction and that I needed to count on what the Church leaders had said on the subject. Whatever, at least I was out to my parents now, or so I thought. Other than this, my parents have not uttered a word to me about the subject, but since the Haws family loves denial, I figured that was what was going on.

This past weekend my older brother Jeff came to visit. He had been in Wisconsin, visiting my parents for a few weeks before coming to Utah. From the conversations I had with my older brother, it appears I still have some coming out to do. Jeff gave me a lot of information of what is going through my parents regarding me coming out to. And it appears that my parents didn't read all of the coming out letter I sent them. Obviously enough to get the "I'm gay" part. But they either didn't read or completely glossed over the rest.

In the letter I was pretty open about knowing that I was gay since I was a kid and briefly stated that I had been in relationships with men. But these are the two points that my parents seemed confused on. Apparently my mother thinks I chose to be gay after I broke up with a girl I was dating when I was twenty years old. That or I am being gay for the attention. I don't see how Mom could reach those assumptions if she had read the whole thing.

In addition, after I came out to my parents I thought it was odd that they didn't ask if I was involved with anybody. It seems like the kind of question a parent would want to know. But in a conversation with Dad, Jeff summed up that Dad thinks I am just "struggling with same-sex attraction"...meaning that I haven't ever be involved in a relationship with another man. Hmm... I thought I made that pretty clear in the letter.

Of course, I have learned to never underestimate the powers of Haws denial, so my parents could have read every word of the coming out letter, and just shifted everything that they didn't want to hear to the back of their heads. But it doesn't change that this whole coming out to my parents is going to be quite the process. I am not sure if I came from a non-Mormon family, coming out would be such a "process"...but because Mormons differentiate between "struggling with same-sex attraction" and "being gay"...coming out isn't a package deal. I am going to have to come out to them with a whole handful of ideas, beliefs, and experiences.

Anyways, I am not sure if other gay Mormons have experienced the same thing with their families...but that is my story of the coming out "process".

Ill-timed Christmas-ing

One of my October traditions is complaining about too early Christmas-ing. And I think today is that day.Yesterday at Smith's I saw what looked like a pallet of those funky metal tubs of popcorn that stores only sell during the holidays and I was frustrated anew.(Although I think secretly I was happy, because I was secretly happy that I could now complain about it.) But the moment I see a Christmas display I started wondering, what about Halloween? And Guy Fawkes Day? And Thanksgiving?

I am a holiday nazi. I love all holidays, especially Christmas, but only at their appointed times. I hate in August and September when I see Halloween displays, I am personally offended when I see Valentine's Day stuff around New Year's, and I mystified when I see stores pulling out their Christmas merchandise when Halloween hasn't even been given it's respect. Christmas frivolities don't begin for me until Thanksgiving Day. Thanksgiving is the day that marks the official end of autumn in my world and its the day when holiday music, candy canes, and How The Grinch Stole Christmas are legalized for enjoyment.

Luckily I haven't heard any Christmas songs...that's where I get really annoyed. When it is actually Christmas I am known to cry listening to Christmas songs. (Which was awkward for everyone when I am at work and suddenly break into a crying spell.) But if I hear Christmas songs too soon I am annoyed, not struck by the song's tenderness. Christmas music is illegal in my mind until Thanksgiving Day as well.

And not a day sooner. Is that so much to ask?

(I really do love complaining about it, so I kind of hope it happens every year. Thanks Smith's for allowing me this opportunity for my annual whining about ill-timed Christmas merchandise.)

The Great Shelob

Today I came face to face with one of the fiercest predators I have ever beheld. A Child of the Great Shelob...Yes, my friends...a big stinkin' spider. I went for a hike up Rock Canyon this morning to see the pretty fall leaves and as I came down the trail, headed to the parking lot I saw something scurry across the trail. At the moment I thought it was a chipmunk. But no, it was a enormous, furry spider. I have never seen such a huge spider out just roaming around. I took a picture with my ipod next to it for a size comparison. Nasty huh? I could literally see it's pervy little set of eyes looking at me. I almost had to battle it, but luckily it didn't follow me as I ran away. Beware, my friends...I think this creature guards the secret stair into Mordor....which apparently is in Rock Canyon.

Orion's Belt

Sometimes if I can't sleep and the weather is clear, I find myself outside at 2 am looking at the stars. For those of you who don't know, I have Orion tattooed on my upper right arm. Orion is the only constellation I can find and because of that, I have spent many thought-filled nights with it. Last night I was looking at the night sky and various thoughts came to mind as I tried to find Orion. I was reminded of a night in Sao Paulo when I was looking up at the night sky hoping to see Orion, but because of the combination of light pollution and new bearings, I couldn't find it. For all I knew then, it might not have been the right time of year.

I think religion and faith and spirituality is like looking at the stars. I find Orion by looking for Orion's Belt. If I knew more constellations, I could then use that to find Orion. Of course, Orion is the name I know it by. I am sure around the world there are other names for this cluster of stars and some people may have it in their sky and hardly ever think of it. And if someone is looking for it, they don't orient themselves the same way I do. You see, when I'm in Provo I count on the mountains as being my east, and then I situate myself from that. But elsewhere in the world others have to use their own bearings. The name of it and how people find it doesn't change what it is, and it doesn't necessitate me proclaiming that my way of using the mountains for directions as the only correct way of looking at the stars. To me most religions have the same basic ideas, but doctrines are like the bearings we use. I use the mountains because that works for me, but if I was at my home in Wisconsin I would use the marsh to orient myself. Both are perfectly fine, but wouldn't be interchangeable. For some people, being Muslim is the best possible option for them in life. And for others having no religion is equally as good. As long as both find their ways, it doesn't really matter. In fact, it wouldn't work for me to find Orion if I was in Utah and trying to think about where the marsh in Wisconsin is situated.

Some people don't even look for Orion, in fact most people only look for the Big Dipper. But I couldn't find the Big Dipper to save my life. And even if I had someone teach me to find it, I still think I'd let my eyes wander back to Orion. That's perfectly fine too. I can appreciate the wonder of the night sky just as much below Orion as someone else can that looks for the Big Dipper.

There is something very spiritual to me about looking at the stars. Perhaps it is because of their permenance, perhaps it is because they are so faraway, yet are shine so brightly. It boggles my mind that they have always been there, and at least for the next several million years, will still be exactly in the same spot. But looking up at them I can't help but wonder about all the theories there have been about them through history, and how despite what the theory is for the viewer, they are still as awe-inspiring as they were for me last night.

Monster Mash

FYI - Today is Monster Mash Day. It was on this day in 1962 when "Monster Mash" hit the number one spot on the charts. And this is one of my favorite songs for the Halloween season. I can't listen to it and not giggle in delight.

Bad Romance

Today I heard Lady Gaga's song "Bad Romance" from her new album "Fame Monster" out next month. Goodness, we love it.

Simple Religion

"This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness."- Dalai Lama

I've spent a lot of time pondering religion this week after Dallin H. Oaks' talk at BYU-Idaho. As I watched the interview he gave regarding it and his perceived attack on religious freedom, I was a bit taken aback at the angry tone in Elder Oaks' voice and the vindictive way he phrased its words. And then I came across the above quote this morning...and it explains my frustrations perfectly with the Church right now. Where is the kindness? Last night I overheard a group of Church members talking about the Oaks talk, ranting about how "the left"'s reaction to it is proof of persecution of the Church. And I was left pondering my thoughts from back when I started trying to make sense of the Church's position on homosexuality years ago. More and more I am seeing that kindness and love have taken a back seat to cold heart doctrine. Too many old men in their great and spacious building throwing down laws to the common folk...and too little charity for those they don't understand and don't know. Perhaps Elder Oaks' General Conference talk was a precursor to this, because to me that was more about judgment than love, and there too I was left wondering if Elder Oaks was a bit more excited about the justice and a bit annoyed with mercy.

To me religion makes sense when we are talking love, charity, kindness, humility...but it's when we get into the funky doctrines where I want to swear off religion all together. Perhaps this vindictive tone I have been feeling in the church has something to do with the Church getting involved in politics. As many have stated, it is possible that Church leaders underestimated the effect that their Proposition 8 involvement would have, and underestimated that the Church wouldn't be heralded as the shining beacon on the hill that they hoped it would be. Politics is nasty business...and I think there is something to be said for the need for political neutrality in religious organizations. The Church has increasingly become a "Republican church" as of late, and from what I hear from other Mormon Democrats...there's a lot of holding your tongue in Church situations because of this.

Like so many of us gay Mormons, I have been trying to find my bearings in the culture we grew up in, and more and more I'm seeing that both the Church as a religion and Church as a culture has seemed to have gotten lost in the details and forgotten on the core principle of kindness and love. And until that males a return, I think I will feel a need to keep my distance.

The Great Halloween Costume Pursuit

Okay...I have my work schedule for Halloween and I'm definitely working; thus, it is time to finalize my Halloween costume. My only problem is that I have the curse of only thinking of naughty ideas...I am not sure my coworkers would enjoy me showing up as a naughty angel, wearing only a set of wings and itsy-bitsy sequined man-thong. Well, maybe they would...

So here are some of my other ideas that are officially off the table:

- Drag Liza Minnelli....FYI - When I get dragged out I am Liza Minnelli. It is wild. All I want to do is talk about "Mama", sing showtunes, and assault me David Gest style.

- Terry from Reno 911. Terry is my hero and I would love nothing more than to show up for work wearing booty-shorts, midriff-showing shirt, roller skates, and saying naughty things to everyone.

- Lady Gaga - Wear some sort of wig, then sunglasses, and probably a leotard, somewhat like Justin Timberlake in SNL's "Single Ladies". It would be fun...and I do have very shapely legs, but another one that I am not sure coworkers would appreciate.

And here are the more realistic options:

- Zombie...I have been kind of into zombies this year

- Tyler Durden. All I have to do is tear up a shirt, get all bloody, and paint on some fake bruises. Fight Club-style.

- Glenn Beck. This is only realistic actually if I am willing to maybe get punched in the face. But here is how I'd do it. Put a pillow in my shirt so I look overweight, then I'd cry a lot, and then scream and call everyone "pinheads". It would be a good giggle until someone killed me.

- Hobbit...because I am almost a hobbit anyways...I just need the outfit.

Oh...decisions...

Another Round of Mocking Fox "News"

Jon Stewart did an amazing job last night of mocking Fox News, and their claim of being journalists. The folks at Fox bitched and moaned about Tea Party coverage...and then somehow missed that small gay rights event this weekend. Haha...Fox...Journalism...What a good joke.

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